


The Ghost in the Window

by SolarisRasa



Series: Sol's Malec Whumptober 2020 [13]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Grief, Loss of parabatai, M/M, Relationship Strain, Survivors Guilt, Whumptober 2020
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-25
Updated: 2020-10-26
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:34:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27188707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SolarisRasa/pseuds/SolarisRasa
Summary: No 15. Alt Prompt 3 -ComfortNo 19. BROKEN HEARTSGrief | Mourning Loved One | Survivor’s GuiltAfter losing Jace sooner than they ever expected, Magnus struggles to bring Alec back to himself.
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Jace Wayland, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Series: Sol's Malec Whumptober 2020 [13]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1953454
Comments: 9
Kudos: 64





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Might fuck around and write part 2 later. Maybe.

Magnus pressed himself against Alec’s side in the wide window seat. They’d spent many happy evenings here, reading together in rainy weather, napping in the warm summer breeze, just talking. 

Now Alec was listless, he’d gotten out of bed slowly that afternoon and dragged himself to the window seat. He’d leaned against the wall, looked out into the faintly grey afternoon and fallen perfectly still.

Magnus left him alone.

He had no idea where to begin with this quiet, bruise of a man that had replaced his husband a few days before. He knew how to calm Alexander’s anger, how to hold him while he cried, how to center him when he was buzzing out of his skin. He didn’t know how to draw grief and guilt from whatever dark place Alec had pressed them.

He’d not cried, he’d told Magnus what happened in a crisp report, pressed a tired kiss to his stunned, slack mouth, declared a need for a shower, and disappeared. That last moment, Alec pausing in the doorway to their bedroom and offering him a little tilt of his head with sad, tired eyes filled with love, had clung behind Magnus’ eyelids since.

He wondered, if he’d followed Alec then would things be easier now?

He pressed himself against Alec, taking a limp hand in his own.

“I’m going to be here, as long as you need.” He murmured, kissing the soft tips of Alec’s fingers.

“You have work to do.” Alec answered, his voice a whisper, and tugged his hand away.

Magnus tried to shift so he could touch him again but Alec moved his hips just enough that Magnus no longer fit properly and he was forced to his feet. He pressed his lips tightly together, brushed a light touch over Alec’s shoulder and forced himself not to cry.

“Alright. I’ll be just,” he moved toward the chair he favored, the one with its back to Alec, “here.”

His husband didn’t answer and Magnus found himself seated, tears streaking down his cheeks.

-

“Please, Alexander. You’ve lost something vital, I know. I don’t expect you to-to-” Magnus swallowed, “but, please. Come to bed?”

Two days had followed Magnus’ attempts at the window and each night had seen him alone on golden sheets. He’d changed the color this morning, unable to stand looking at something so bright, not when everything seemed to be slipping away from him, draining.

Alec blinked, his hazel eyes finding focus on Magnus’ face, and then he frowned.

“I’ll join you in a moment.”

Magnus nodded, biting his inner lip hard enough he tasted blood, and mechanically turned away.

-

“Magnus?” Catarina touched his hand gently and Magnus shook himself.

“Sorry Cat, lost in thought. What were you saying?” He worked at a strained, false smile. Alexander was in the living room, visible through the balcony doors and Magnus was aware of the ghost-like drifting of his love around the room.

“I wasn’t saying anything. I’m worried for you.”

“I’m fine. It’s Alec that’s-”

“You’re not fine. Losing Jace doesn’t have to be the end of him, though I’m sure he can’t see that right now, but it’s going to be if something doesn’t change. He’s living like he’s the one in the grave and he’s taking you with him.”

Magnus swallowed hard.

“I don’t know what to do. We were prepared for this, one day, one far away day. Alexander promised me he would manage it, he swore it when he chose to stay with me for my forever but no one thought it would be so soon, so senseless. A mundane  _ shot  _ him Cat.” Magnus nearly falters, he’s been working so hard to help Alec he’s not allowed himself to accept the gap in his own life Jace’s death has left, “I keep expecting him to shove through my door like he owns the place and drag Alexander out of his grief. I-Cat if Alec can’t come back from this, you have to promise.”

He stared into Catarina’s wide, dark eyes, “You’re my best friend and I know it’s not fair, but if this takes him from me, I need to know you’ll be here to help pick up the pieces.”

Catarina looked impossibly sad as she covered his hand with her own where it lay on the stone wall, “I’ll help you through.”

Magnus shook his head, “Not the pieces of me Cat. New York will need a strong leader when we’re both gone. You’ll have to help the warlocks figure out who and Izzy will-”

“What?” Alec’s horrified whisper, the most emotion Magnus has heard from him, drew his attention.

Alec was standing in the open doors, staring at Magnus.

“You’re leaving?” He asked, expression cracking open, finally. There was pain in his eyes and Magnus could finally see the sea of grief that Alec had been drowning in silently for days.

He hurried to Alec’s side, “No Alexander. I’m with you, always. I just need to make plans for all outcomes.”

Catarina, gone still and shocked, interrupts and her voice is sharp and stern, a nurse to an unwilling patient.

“If you let your grief consume you, your guilt at not being able to protect Jace from the world, you’re going to take my best friend with you. I refuse to allow it, Alec. Find a way through or I will drag you, kicking and screaming.”

She portaled away, leaving them in a weighted, awful silence.

“You can’t let me be-” Alec started, tried again, “I shouldn’t be able to hurt you like this. You need to let me go Magnus.”

Magnus grabbed his face, “Never. I’ll never leave you, not because it would be easier, not because you think it would be better for me, and certainly not in some misguided attempt from you to save me. Loving you  _ is  _ what saves me, Alexander. You’re refusing to let me in, and it’s going to end us both.”

Magnus watched his husband’s face work, like he can’t figure out what he’s doing with it, like the art of feeling, of devastation, is too far from him now.

Then the walls are slamming down and he’s crumbling, tears making themselves known at long last.

“Not you too. I can’t- I can’t be the reason you die too!”

Magnus can only collapse with Alec, holding him close and letting him break. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Discussions of grief.

“It was the shower.” Alec said, breaking the silence that had settled between them. He rubbed his palm against the mug he was cradling and Magnus watched the way his fingers curled carefully around the slowly cooling ceramic. They had cried together and Magnus had whispered love to Alec until they’d been calm enough to come sit on the couch inside and  _ talk.  _

Magnus let Alexander take the time he needed, his own tea clasped in his hands, his rings clicked against the cup with its cute cat pattern as he sought the warmth of it but didn't drink. 

“I was under the water and I went to start washing and,” Alexander swallowed as his voice shook. He didn’t say anything, just slowly moved one hand off the mug, pushed the blanket that he shared with Magnus down and tugged his sweater up. His body was familiar as Magnus’ own and he understood immediately.

The spot that always carried the stark black of Jace and Alec’s parabatai rune was smooth, unblemished, skin. 

Magnus set his tea down and held out his arms for Alec who let go of his shirt with numb fingers and shifted until he was laying against Magnus instead, cup set aside.

“Alexander,” Magnus dropped a kiss in the waves of his dark hair, “I’m-” he didn’t know what to say, “-I’m here. I know this feels impossible right now but you will come out of it.”

Alec turned and pressed his face into Magnus’ chest, pulling the blanket until it covered him to his eyes, “It feels like I shouldn’t want to.”

His voice is low, an exhausted, awful admission and Magnus understands immediately.

“Part of losing someone you love is living on and keeping your love for them alive with you. Jace,” Magnus’ voice broke and he forced himself to work through it, “Jace is gone, your rune is gone, but he’s still in your heart. He’s in Isabelle’s and Biscuit’s and mine and so many others. It feels like betrayal to live without him, I know, for you more than anyone else, but it’s  _ not.  _ Continuing on honors him.” 

Alec nodded, once.

“I don’t want you to rush though darling, don’t try to shove how you feel aside or make yourself numb to it, that’s what is destroying you. You have to  _ feel  _ it Alec, no matter how it hurts. You have to let it out until you can remember what it’s like to feel something else, something good. It won’t be easy, and it won’t be all at once and the hurt will never fully go away, but you will be able to breathe past it. I’ll be here, good days and bad, but I need you to let me in, let yourself in.”

Alexander sighed slowly and tipped his head to look at Magnus, “I thought-” he bit his lip, eyes welling again, “-I thought we’d have more  _ time.  _ I knew I would have to prepare for it eventually and I know that with what we do, what we are, there was always the chance but…” 

Magnus ran his hands over Alec’s back, “Together you were so strong and we’ve faced so much it never seemed real that the demons could take you away from each other. I have to admit, I’m not as afraid for you when you go on patrols anymore. It’s foolish, but it stopped feeling like you might not come back every time after all the other threats. We were all  _ used  _ to that danger.”

“A mundane killed him, Magnus. How...How could he  _ let-”  _ Alec shuddered.

“You and I both know that there will always be things that we can’t protect ourselves from, this was something that Jace couldn’t protect himself from. He saved a woman that night and as much as it hurts us, I’m still proud of him for it.” Magnus was trying to keep his voice even, for Alec.

“Oh,  _ Magnus. _ ” Alec pushed up a bit too look at Magnus, make-up free and miserable.

“You lost him too.” 

There was no doubt in Alec’s tone and Magnus pressed his lips together hard, “I did. I, however, have more experience with this. It never gets easier and I’ll never say I’m used to it, but I know how to grieve. I’m worried about you right now.”

Alexander shook his head but lowered himself back to Magnus’ chest, tugging one of his hands up to kiss it.

“We can worry about each other. We can help each other. I-I want to learn how to keep going and I’m going to need help.”

Magnus smiled, just a slight sad thing, “I know, love. Start with today.”

Alec nodded, closing his eyes and moving to press a hand where his parabatai rune had been, “Today.”


End file.
